Craziest Episode of The Affair Ever? Craziest Episode of The Affair Ever.0 Comments

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Posted on 30 Nov 2015 at 1:07pm

The Affair can’t stop, won’t stop this season—this is the third week in a row it’s put my jaw on the floor. (Can you get wrinkles from TV bombshells?) After revealing Scotty Lockhart’s claim on Alison’s baby two weeks ago and spotlighting an abortion Helen had during her early Noah years last Sunday, the drama busted things wide open this week with what was, by far, its strangest, ugliest, most shocking episode ever.

Strangest because: The spirit guide title cards we’re used to seeing twice an episode were nowhere to be found in 209. We were not seeing things through the eyes of Noah, Alison, Helen, or Cole—the screen simply told us the time before the action kicked off, and away we went. Translation: This episode was meant to show us the way things really are.

Ugliest because: If this is how things really are, everyone’s kind of an asshole. Right? Alison and Cole made up Team Sympathetic in this story, but they certainly weren’t perfect. Alison basically crossed her legs and tried to keep her baby from coming because Noah hadn’t shown up yet. Cole started out so vulnerable I just wanted to squeeze him and gift him some new thermals—how deep did that Gabriel growth chart cut? But then he went off the nut, made Luisa’s fibroids/infertility all about him, and set about burning his house down while he was inside it.

The Team Middle Ground award goes to Helen, who made sure to check the whereabouts of her four children before sneaking a dickish doctor down to the basement to hook up—then didn’t even bother to make up a good excuse when said doctor’s patient (ahem, her eldest son) wondered why they were in the kitchen together. He was in the neighborhood? This is 2015. No one’s in the neighborhood!

affair-eden-noah-party

Yet somehow, neither arson nor infant endangerment nor midday doctor nooky with the kids upstairs could touch Noah’s Team Asshole performance. At the party Eden took him to, Noah became an honorary Rolling Stone for the night. He did some coke, ogled some naked girls, blew off his old friend in honor of his new ones (the Girl Scouts would be furious), made out with Eden, and got exactly the comeuppance he deserved when, like a creep, he slipped into a hot tub to ogle two girls going at it and found out one of them was Whitney.

Whew. There’s your “most shocking” element of the equation. Kinda puts that third-drink remark you made to your high school ex on Thanksgiving Eve in perspective, doesn’t it? You’re totally fine.

By the end of the episode, both the literal and emotional storms had passed and all was calm in Alison’s hospital room, where she cradled her new baby girl. But there’ll be lots of wreckage to clean up next week: Alison hasn’t seen Noah since he flaked on her generator-powered birthing experience. Cole is likely, well, burned? And likely dealing with some serious insurance forms. And definitely homeless. As for Helen: You just can’t turn your back on that one. Something tells me we’re not done with her doctor, who’s the inside out version of Noah: He might have some obnoxious qualities, but he wears them honestly. As opposed to acting like the world’s best guy when you’ve only ever truly been in love with one person: yourself. Descent, indeed. Send your therapists’ numbers Whitney’s way, please.

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Photos: Courtesy of Showtime

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