*The Bachelor* Season 21 Episode 3 Recap: Backstreet’s Very Much Back0 Comments

By admin
Posted on 17 Jan 2017 at 10:08am

I would like you to wear drawers with three or four frills one over the other at the knees and up the thighs and great crimson bows in them, I mean not the schoolgirls’ drawers with a thin shabby lace border, tight round the legs and so thin that the flesh shows between them but women’s (or if you prefer the word) ladies’ drawers will a full loose bottom and wide legs, all frills and lace and ribbons, and heavy with perfume so that whenever you show them, whether in pulling up your clothes hastily to do something or in cuddling yourself up prettily to be blocked, I can see only a swelling mass of white stuff and frills and so that when I bend down over you to open them and give you a burning lustful kiss on your naughty bare bum I can smell the perfume of your drawers as well as the warm odour of your c-nt and the heavy smell of your behind.

That’s from one of James Joyce’s letters to his wife, Nora Barnacle. No, really. It just goes to show you, even the horniest dogs (ahem, Nick) can also be loving, tortured genius artists. It’s also a run-on sentence, but that’s neither here nor there. Let’s do this!

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PHOTO: ABC

The women are reeling from the revelation that Liz—who, I don’t know if you heard, banged Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding—has gone home. Nick tells his side of the story and lets the women know if they have questions, they can ask him. Here’s a question: What’s to ask? Apparently, a lot. When Danielle—not the nurse Danielle, the other Danielle—and Nick have a heart-to-heart, he cannot stop himself from staring at her boobs. Not to be outdone, Corinne wraps herself in a silk trench coat and…nothing else. Well, a lacy bra and heels and a diamond choker. But nothing else! Oh, Corinne. I want to root for you. Or hate you. Or feel some kind of way about you. But I just…sigh…I just want to find you a hobby that doesn’t involve alcohol.

Math time: According to the “half your age plus seven” rule, Nick (36) should really only be dating women who are 25 or older. Not that this is a real rule, but it’s not not real.

“This is me in a trench coat, if you were wondering.” – Corinne

Corinne (24), the reason the word décolletage exists, has talked a producer into procuring a bottle of whipped cream, which she eats out of Nick’s mouth before plunging into his crotch. Then, she sprays some on her chest. And in her mouth. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO WRITE ABOUT THIS. I want Corinne to be empowered to be as sexual as she wants to be and move as fast as she wants to. But I also know that the world is cruel, society is harsh, and people are unforgiving. In my experience, if we’re being realistic, you do right by yourself when you can demonstrate that you have things to offer in addition to your sexuality. But Nick clearly has a boner, so I guess it worked. Corinne cries, and Lacey comforts her.

“Bae! Bae is back! …I really wanna bang Chris Harrison.” – my friend Zoe

Rose ceremony time, finally. Corinne, and her rose, are sleeping through it.

Vanessa has the poise and glamour of a Golden Age of Hollywood star. Hailey very much needs to explain her prominent “bobby pin” tattoo and very much needs to stop saying she “deserves” a rose because honey, that is not how self-esteem works. My fave, Josephine, gets a rose! Hailey leaves and manages to a) cry and b) insult Corinne and c) insult Nick for liking Corinne. OK.

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PHOTO: ABC

The motherf-cking BACKSTREET BOYS show up and everyone has the appropriate reaction, which is to completely flip out. At this point it’s like, why are you trying to get close to Nick when you have the opportunity to hang out with a Backstreet Boy?

Everyone busts out their best athleisure to learn these dance moves, but obviously Jasmine is going to win the challenge because, hello, she is a professional dancer. The women hug Nick when they see him. Again, why? The Backstreet Boys are right there.

“Thank god all the Backstreet Boys are happily married.” – Nick, greatly underestimating how horny straight American women between the ages of 21 and 40 are for the Backstreet Boys

The world may have changed since 1998, but thankfully the “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” choreography has not. It’s still that little hand-flip Frankenstein move from the video. Anyway, Corinne cries in the bathroom because she’s a bad dancer. Girl, same.

“I’m trying so hard to be myself, it’s making me even more not myself.”- Corinne

Danielle L. (“Daniellelle”) (NOT JASMINE??) gets called forward to slow dance with Nick while Brian and AJ (yes, I can name the BSB members on sight) lead the group in an a cappella rendition of “I Want It That Way.” It’s deeply awkward, but they kiss anyway.

Side note: These girls’ hot pants are definitely from American Apparel, RIP.

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PHOTO: ABC

“Planned dancing…what’s it called? Choreography.” – Corinne

Corinne apologizes to Nick for sleeping through the rose ceremony, but she doesn’t want to apologize to the other girls who are, natch, talking shit about her while she kisses Nick’s mouth.

“I made Corinne great again.” – Corinne

Nick feels up Daniellelle’s butt, confirming once and for all that he is an ass man and that every girl who packed a push-up bra was wasting suitcase space.

“It makes her happy, and who am I to take away a woman’s happiness?” – Corinne, re: her nanny

Corinne divulges to the group that she has a nanny and all the things the nanny does for her. They are things like cooking and laundry, which are not difficult for an adult woman to do. I mean, for fuck’s sake, her family has an employee, who cares? But also, Corinne is too entitled, and I’m not here for it. Neither is Jasmine. Daniellelle gets the group date rose.

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PHOTO: ABC

Vanessa gets the one-on-one date, and it’s in frickin’ SPACE. OK, so technically it’s not space space, but it’s two attractive people making out in zero gravity, which is basically the plot of Passengers. It looks fun!

But Vanessa can’t even enjoy it because she is puking (beautifully). Nick rubs her back. I don’t care how fake it is, this is cute!

“Still tastes fine.” – Nick after kissing Vanessa after she vom’d.

AND THEN THERE IS A REDDI WHIP COMMERCIAL WHEREIN A FATHER AND YOUNG DAUGHTER SHARE A WHIP CREAM-TOPPED TREAT EVEN THOUGH THAT IS IN FACT THE BRAND THAT CORINNE SPRAYED ON HER CHEST FOR NICK TO LICK. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

Nick takes Vanessa to dinner on a patio on the top floor of a skyscraper from which they can see the lights of LA at night. V. romantic, v. La La Land observatory scene. Vanessa chokes up talking about her grandfather’s recent death and how close she is to her family. Nick opens up about his previous experiences on The Bachelorette. Then, Nick cries like a pussy. Kidding. They kiss tenderly and embrace. It’s some Sleepless in Seattle shit.

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PHOTO: ABC

When the other girls learn who is going on the second group date, they cheer for one another. Feminism! The group date is track and field themed, a huge let down after BSB and space. But at least we get more pink, black, and purple athleisure. Oh, but wait a minute, Olympians Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix, and Michelle Carter are there! This challenge is still my nightmare; still, high ratings for the celeb factor.

Astrid’s breasts are jiggling a lot, and she has a sense of humor about it. Do we need to say more about these women’s bodies? No. They’re all beautiful. All women are beautiful. All.

They do a lot of jump-based activities, jumping into sand and over poles. They are literally jumping for Nick’s love. Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid (yes, yes, and yes) move on to the second round of the challenge, which is some kind of relay I don’t totally understand, but I know it involves a hot tub.

“Move bitches; I’m coming’ through.” – Alexis

And then, in glorious slow motion, Rachel knocks the ring off its pedestal, Astrid reaches for it, and Rachel accidentally steps on and crushes it, which means…Astrid wins! The fantastic prize of drinking champagne and kissing Nick in a hot tub…while wearing her leggings and sports bra. Not worth it TBH.

At a candle-lit antique store (???) after the challenge, Dominique cries and complains that she is being overlooked. Girl, same. Rachel gives her excellent advice because Rachel is the best.

“I wasn’t trying to be like, the weird lesbian.” – Jaimi

Alexis further endears herself to America by making out with Nick while laying down on a giant picture of him.

“You seem very mature” – Nick to Rachel, possibly the first woman over 30 he has spent any time with

Dominique knows that she needs to use her one shot with Nick to really impress him, so she decides to attack him about having ignored her. However Dominique thought this conversation would go, it certainly doesn’t go that way and Nick sends her TF home.

Rachel gets the rose!

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PHOTO: ABC

Chris says that instead of a cocktail party, there will be a POOL PARTY.

17 girls. One pool party. One Nick. Let’s see what happens.” – Alexis.

Corinne, who is getting, in her words, “a lot desperate,” has arranged for a Barbie pink bouncy castle for her and Nick to jump around in. It looks, admittedly, super fun because bouncy castles are, and I am quoting science here, super fun. They make out a bunch, but I’m not gonna shit on Corinne for this. She’s not forcing Nick to do anything. If the other girls don’t like this behavior, they can take it up with Nick. After, Corinne literally goes back to sleep.

Raven tells Nick what’s what re: Corinne has a nanny. Jasmine also tells Nick that Corinne isn’t wife material. Taylor also voices concerns. Vanessa, because she is a grown ass woman, articulately asks Nick why he’s behaving like a frat boy if he really wants a wife. (I’m paraphrasing.) Then she basically threatens to goddamn leave. I quite like Vanessa.

Over the credits, Josephine sings Nick an original song. Truly, a theater kid if I have ever seen one. She was Miss Adelaide in tenth grade, I bet my life on it. The editors cut it with reaction shots from animals. It’s nirvana.

Parting Thoughts: I guess when women are competing with each other for the affections and attention of a man there must come a point when a woman’s sexuality is used against her but also as a weapon against other women. And that point is right now!

More From The Bachelor:

-Vanessa Reveals Why She Originally Wanted Chase McNary to Be the Bachelor

-Nick Viall Opens Up About the One Thing That Bothered Him This Season

The Bachelor Recap: Let’s Talk About Liz

Glamour – Entertainment

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